The Struggle Within

The Struggle Within

A day without rice is like a day without love, its lonely and filled with emptiness. Days seemed long and nights were restless, nothing seemed to be right, tempers flares very easily.

That was what I felt many months ago when eating was my main agenda of the day and eating again was my main agenda for the night. Today you see me as a very jovial healthy lady but once upon a time I was like a time bomb, a sickly lady with short tempers always raging like a bull.  One may ask why was that so, here I give you the insight of why the need for the Struggle Within.

I was born with tiny arteries, actually my internal organs are all tiny, its only the exterior that are all big.  My doctor said I was  like a Mercedes Benz car with a kancil engine, a big body with tiny block arteries.  Doctor said I must maintain my ideal weight so that my heart would not have to work harder than it should.  I underwent a cardiac bypass in September 2009 and lost 8 kg but my doctor urged me to shed off another 2 kg so that I can achieve my ideal weight of 50 kg. 

I did achieve 50 kg, I was slimmer and better looking, I can wear my old clothes and I boasted to my colleagues that I was a healthy slimmer lady.  But that did not last, I put on weight again during the fasting months.  I don’t understand why but each week my weight seem to increase continuosly.  Other people slim down during the fasting month but I grew bigger, still that didn’t bother me at all. I was enjoying good food, enjoying life as its meant to be.

Two weeks after the Aidil Fitri celebration, I went for my usual check up and guess what?  My doctor was so furious, so angry and was speechless when he saw my weight increased to 68 kg.  My weight problem had been our argument for five years, but this time he was really mad with me.  He told me that if I continue on ignoring my diet and not bothered with the increase in my weight I will be sick again and he cautioned me that if I have to undergo the second bypass it will be painful and dangerous.

That warning was the wake up call for me, I told myself that I have to take heed to my doctor’s advise.  Thats when I started to look after my diet, I have to leave all my favourite food, cheese cake, chocolate, nasi lemak and all other delicacies.  My menu changed, morning its oat and juice or plain water, afternoon half bowl of rice with lots of vegetable and fish or chicken and dinner its oat again.

Obediently I am following the diet now but in the early days it was painful. Sitting at the dinner table but only taking oat made me so moody, I long for all my favourite food and in between meals I was allowed to munch fruits when all I want is chocolate or cheese cake.  I would give anything for that chocolaty taste on my taste bud and the sweet taste running down my throat as I savour bite after bite.  How I long for not only a bite of cheese cake but big slices and let the delicious taste take over my senses.

Of course those are all my longing which I have to forget, which I have to fight and struggling with myself, I have to face the fact that I only have myself to restrain myself from giving in to my cravings.

In the past, back from work I would lazed around with a big mug full of hot milo and bowl full of peanuts.  I would just sat down in front of the television and munch.  Sometimes I would just doze off on the sofa while waiting for my maghrib prayers.

However that pleasure is all history.  Nowadays, back from work I will drag this cuddly pampered body of mine for brisk walks.  If weather does not permit I will just ride my stationary bicycle for half an hour or so, anything as long as I can sweat out.  There are days when I feel like going home and just doze off on the sofa but I struggle with myself and reminded myself that I have to do everything I can to slim down and stay healthy.  My efforts did pay off, you might not see the visible changes but now the inches of my waist decrease to 31 instead of 33.

These days, a day without rice is like a war won in battle field, I am determine to win the struggle within and I promise myself that in three months time I will gain my ideal weight again.